The Adventures of Iggy Iguana - The Penguin Theorem
by Harold69
Summary: The Penguin Theorem has eluded iguanas for ages. It is time for Iggy Iguana to learn it and become MC national champion! Inspired by the many mishappenings of the Massachusetts MathCounts Nationals Team.
1. Introduction

**INTRODUCTION**

The Penguin Theorem; a fundamental theorem in mathematics that has eluded iguanas for generations. Guarded by the dreadful penguins, arch-nemeses and predators of the iguanas, this piece of the puzzle would finally allow the iguanas to triumph in the annual MC competition, and what a great year this would be too; it was the 30th anniversary of the prestigious contest and iguanas were eager to win again after the legendary Twiggy Iguana. So, Iggy Iguana, the smartest iguana in Iguanaland was sent out on a mission to retrieve the Penguin Theorem and become the national champion. Sent out with a new name, Alec Sun, he would meet many friends and allies on the way, overcome many hardships, and learn the Penguin Theorem. Let this terrible fan-fiction begin.


	2. Chapter 1

**CHAPTER 1 McDonalds vs Burger King**

Iggy walked along the streets of the outside world. He had never gone outside of Iguanaland before, and his heart tingled with excitement. Oh, he was free now! He could walk anywhere and no one would even care. He could even eat popcorn!

But then he remembered his mission. It was not to enjoy pleasantries but to learn the Penguin Theorem. Reluctantly, he forced himself to walk away from those treats.

He was traveling the streets of Iguin City, a city built in the peace treaty of the iguanas and penguins. Iguin City was a rather large place, so Iggy felt the need to ask someone where things were and how to get to Penguin City.

Iguins were also the name of a mixed breed; penguins and iguanas. They were thought to be nonexistent due to conflict and tensions between the two groups, but the city was still peaceful, thank goodness.

"Excuse me," he asked a pedestrian, "Do you know how to get to Penguin City?"

The pedestrian eyed him suspiciously. "Well, what would a young iguana like you be doing in the big city and why in the world would you want to go to Penguin City?" he inquired.

Iggy immediately repeated the story that the elders had told him to tell anyone who asked.

"My name is Alec Sun, and I'm on an ambassador mission to Penguin City. I lost my map somewhere and I need to find the way to Penguin City."

The pedestrian continued to pry. "Don't all your names end with 'Iguana'?"

Iggy didn't like the way that the pedestrian was asking questions. "No, you appear to be misinformed about our naming," he lied. Was everyone out here so knowledgeable about iguanas? Suddenly, Iggy didn't really want to stay here and enjoy its luxuries.

"Do you know where Penguin City is, sir?" The 'sir' seemed to soften the pedestrian. He replied that it was toward the south, but he needed to take a boat to go to Penguin Island. Penguin City was the Fermat point of the island for convenience.

Iggy replied thanks and went on this way. He was smiling inwardly. The people in Iguin City like respect, he thought. He remembered how the pedestrian immediately told him how to get to Penguin City after he referred to him as 'sir'. He would keep that in mind.

He was soon on the way to the port, where he would get on a boat to go to Penguin Island. He noticed that there was starting to be more and more penguins along the streets, talking and laughing and waddling. Iggy became nervous. The Treaty of Iguin required that iguanas and penguins need to be peaceful to each other but the elders say that it could shatter anytime now. He could feel penguins giving him looks. He could outrun a penguin, but there was simply too many here. If he needed to make a quick getaway, his chances were getting lower and lower.

Suddenly he heard a big blast. There were two restaurants across the street from each other. Penguins around him complained, and Iggy listened to figure out what was going on.

"Can't they just stop fighting?"

"There goes my afternoon."

"Wow, real mature guys."

"I'll never come here again!"

"What's wrong with you?"

"Harold, again?!"

Apparently there was some kind of fight breaking out here. The elders were right when they said that the city was on the brink of civil war.

He went closer and saw that the restaurants were McDonalds and Burger King. Apparently things were different in Iguin City; they didn't just start brawls in Iguanaland.

Soon all the penguins were gone except for the ones in the restaurants. Iggy sighed. He supposed that he would have to settle this. Perhaps the penguins had some idea about the Penguin Theorem.

He would have to pick which one to help. There was no way there could be a ceasefire.

He went into the McDonalds restaurant and was swarmed by a mob of angry penguins.


	3. Chapter 2

**CHAPTER 2 James and Jamie**

The angry mob of penguins immediately formed a circle around him, trapping Iggy. He started to panic, too late remembering that he was crazy for going into a restaurant full of penguins, as they liked to eat them.

He braced himself for the death peck, but it never came. Instead, a penguin bigger than the rest walked in the circle.

"What do we have here?"

Iggy said nothing; he didn't trust himself to not blurt out everything about his mission.

"OK, everyone, back to the fighting!"

All the penguins grumbled and went to their stations at the windows.  
"Back here, with me," the penguin said.

Since Iggy preferred to go with him rather than be eaten by a bunch of hostile penguins, he followed him without arguing. Plus, this guy didn't seem as bad as the other penguins. That didn't mean he didn't trust him though.

They went into a room Iggy immediately named the "Brick Room". There were brick walls on all four sides of the room and a brick floor and a brick ceiling. It didn't look too stable.

"First of all, what's your name?"  
"Alec Sun."

"Nice try, how about your real, ending-in-"Iguana" name?"  
Did everyone know this?

Iggy tried to lie again like earlier. "Well, sorry sir, but you seem to be very misinformed about our naming system."

"Sorry, kid. I was just in Iguanaland a few days ago. I know stuff."  
Iggy accepted defeat and told him his real name.

"OK, let's move on to other matters. My name is mcdonalds106_7, by the way."  
"What?"  
"Oh, it looks like you aren't very knowledgeable about penguins. We name each other according to our profession. I am the manager of the McDonalds restaurant number 106_7. Thus, my name is McDonalds106_7. But like you, I have an alias. You can call me James Lin."

Iggy took 10 seconds to swallow this information in. The penguins were so different from the iguanas.

"OK, but why did you bring me here?"

"To confirm suspicions and to help you."

"Why would you do that? And why should I trust you?"

"Well, apart from the fact that I just saved you from my discontented employees, I know what needs to be done."  
"Done?"  
"The iguanas need to win the competition. The penguins become ever more arrogant day-to-day, and slowly we are coming to the conclusion that we are superior, and we should seize the land of the iguanas and control them. When the iguanas are victorious, the penguins will see the truth. I know you search of the Penguin Theorem. I can try to help you. But you need to tell me everything."

Iggy considered this. It matched up with many things the elders have told him, but one thing glared out: James was a penguin. In recent years, penguins have become more and more cunning and this could well be a trap to stop the iguanas. But he had no choice. Outside was a bunch of mean penguins that could eat him on sight. So far, James was the only one who didn't seem interested in that. He simply had to trust him, for he would protect him.

"Fine," he said, and he told him everything.

"Mmm," said James when he finished. "You're lucky you picked this restaurant to go in. The other restaurant is run by burgerking106_7, also known as Jamie Lai, who would turn you into Iguana Strips and fries in no time. She's a vicious one, I tell you that."

"So, what's going on here anyway?"  
"Oh, we were a nice and happy restaurant, serving penguins and iguanas all alike unhealthy and fattening meals. But then Jamie moved in. She hated the fact that we were allowing iguanas. Oh, how she hated them! She threatened to shoot our restaurant down if we didn't ban them. Naturally, I refused, but iguanas never came again because they were all too scared. I don't blame them much. Jamie is a big supporter of penguin domination and she's violent. That should've settled it, but she still hated that our restaurant was open to iguanas angered her. We've been warring ever since. I have to prevail and tell everyone that this is all wrong. Otherwise, Happy Meals may never reach little iguanas in Iguanaland anymore."

Iggy wanted to help him, but he had his mission. He noticed that James was looking at him in a special way, just like the way the elders looked at him when they selected him to go on his mission. He realized that James wanted to use him to help bring down Jamie's restaurant.

"Fine," he sighed, "but you owe me after."  
"What?"  
"You're not the only observant one here. I want you to come with me. You seem to know a lot about everything. I could use your help. Didn't you say you wanted to end this penguin arrogance? What better way to do it than to join me? You don't seriously think that just getting rid of the neighboring Burger King will resolve everything, do you?"  
"Well..." James started to pace, considering. Iggy only caught some mutters, like "betrayal...", "help...", "familiar..." "equality..."

"All right," he said finally, "But you have to help me get rid of Jamie. Once we do that, I'll help you."

"What do you want me to do? I can't really do much."

"Exactly what she will think. Then we can-"

"JAMES TIN! OR RIN! OR WHATEVER YOUR NAME IS! STOP BEING A COWARD AND GET OUT OF THAT ROOM!" a woman shrieked. Iggy could swear that even the elders could here it back in Iguanaland.

James sighed. "That would be Jamie. She's quite... short-tempered, let's say."

Suddenly Iggy heard a big big blast and the room started to shake.

"What? How can this be? I constructed this room myself using the uniqueness of bricks - the Brick Wall Theorem..."  
"What?"  
"Anyways, we have to get out of here! The room will crumble any second! Let's get out of here!"

"OK."  
"THAT'S THE TRIPLE WHOPPER FOR YOU!"

James sighed. "OK, here's the plan. You're going to go into that restaurant-"  
"What?! You can't be serious!"

"Listen! It's risky but so is going with you to steal the Penguin's Theorem! You're going to go into that restaurant and lure Jamie out. You're going to tick her off and she's going to follow you out here, where our Big-Mac mine will be waiting. We'll be able to blow it up from here, so you just have to get out of the way. It'll be easy enough, since sadly, us penguins are quite slow, waddling till the very next day, you know. But you wouldn't know about that, or I wouldn't, or-"  
"Let's just do the plan before she triple-whoppers the entire building down."  
"Sounds good. You ready?"  
Iggy braced himself, sure to regret it later when he appears on some penguin's plate. "I think so."

"Good. We're counting on you!"


	4. Chapter 3

**CHAPTER 3 The Chase**

Iggy gulped, not ready to run. He was not ready at all, and he had a suspicion that he never would. He went over the plan in his mind again. James had shown him the layout of the restaurant, but he still felt uneasy, even after being assured that the mine would not blow up in his face.

"Ready?" said James.

"No."

"I know, but just do it, and then we can leave, OK?"

Iggy wanted so badly to just be done with this. He knew that the journey would be dangerous, but even the elders couldn't have foreseen being blown to bits.

"Take the walkie-talkie just in case. I'll feed you instructions."

"Can't you just go in instead?"

"Jamie knows that we're trying to get rid of her. But she'll think you are a confused iguana randomly walking into her restaurant, like you were when you came in here."

Iggy sighed. He supposed that it would be better to have a guide to go to Penguin City; all he knew was that the city was the Fermat point of the island.

He ran out the back and started to walk up the road, pretending to be an innocent iguana. James was eagerly watching from the window. Iggy took a deep breath and walked into the Burger King. He glanced around. What looked like a female version of James was standing at the window, shouting orders. No one noticed him.

"Hey! Get me some food!" he shouted to Jamie.

Everyone turned to look at him.

"FREE LUNCH EVERYONE!" Jamie shouted. "GET HIM!"

Uh-oh. Iggy bolted out the door. He ran across the street as fast as he could and into the McDonalds. By the time he got to James, he was panting. He looked out the window. A huge mass of black and white was slowly waddling towards the restaurant. Angry penguins were struggling to get across the street. It'd be funny if they weren't coming after them.

"Quick! Blow up the mine!"

James hesitated.

"What's wrong?"  
"I didn't anticipate everyone in the restaurant to come. I can't just blow them all up. Some of them are even my old co-workers. Look, there's Harold."  
Iggy couldn't distinguish any of them from the other, but he understood. He was still slightly upset though.

"What should we do then? They're gonna storm the restaurant at this rate."

"We run. Well, I'll waddle. You run."  
"But what if they catch up?"  
"No choice, we gotta get out of here."

They went out the back door. The penguins would soon realize that they're gone. Iggy realized that Jamie would force everyone working at McDonalds to chase after them as well.

Iggy started to run, but James was lagging behind. Being a penguin must stink. He started to slow down, but James told him to keep running.

Iggy ran, but James was seriously getting tired. Suddenly he was overwhelmed and the crowd of penguins caught up.

Iggy had to ran back, he had no choice...

Then, out of nowhere, came the loudest fart that he had ever heard. The penguins all dispersed, and some even promptly fainted. Iggy wasn't affected too much, thank goodness, because of his unsensitive nose.

"Harold, again?!" a woozy Jamie said.

Then all the penguins except Harold dropped to the ground. Iggy looked at Harold and thanked him.

"No problem, kiddo," he replied. "I gotta go 'n fix up dat shop, so see ya."

Iggy ran to James and tapped at him. It took a while, but James' eyes finally opened. Iggy told him what happened.

"Oh, that Harold. I have to remember to thank him later. Well, since everyone is unconscious, lets just go on our merry way."

"But won't the penguins notice all those bodies on the ground?"  
"Oh, the penguins here are in so much disarray now it's not even funny. King Frost is turning a blind eye on Iguin City for some reason. You can be sure Jamie doesn't forget this though. Oh well, let's just be on our merry way."

Iggy followed James to the port. With Iggy in James' pocket, it seemed that nothing else could go wrong...

The creature came out of the trash can. Good thing it was just emptied. He looked at the unconscious penguins around them.

_Those two were really something_, he thought. _I'd better follow them. They could help out the colony..._


	5. Hiatus

Sorry for those of you who actually want to read more of the story (though this did start out as a part of a big joke), because I will have a very busy summer going to camps and studying for SSATs and will not have time nor interest in this story until the tests are over.

I _may_ update depending on how I feel but don't expect anything until December-ish. Sorry, guys!

I actually didn't expect anyone to even pay attention to this because it's a part of a big joke, but since you guys actually like this, thanks for the support!


	6. Chapter 4

**CHAPTER 4 - The Iguin**

The creature was an iguin. Iguins, creatures who founded Iguin City, were thought to be extinct. If iguins had survived until that day, they wouldn't be accepted by either group. Neither penguins nor iguanas wanted to be reminded of the days when they were at peace. It was prudent that this iguin wouldn't be discovered.

Iguins were generally good at combinatorics. Their first name would be a verb pertaining to combinations and their last name would be a number. His name was Pick Ten. Pick Ten hated his last name; he liked Six much better than Ten because he was more into Number Theory and six was just much more interesting. All the people in his neighborhood were into combinatorics and told him to be grateful that he had such a special name. "Ten is five choose two," they would say. He thought that Six would be a wonderful name; plus, four choose two is six anyways, so it held just as much combinatorial importance. Also, Pick Six sounded kind of rhymish, and that'd be pretty cool.

But this wasn't on his mind as he looked at the situation. James and Iggy, as he found out, were already running towards the port. Since they tolerated each other, he figured that they wouldn't mind an iguin with them. He wouldn't have troubled them if he wasn't so desperate, but his desperation was about to turn into outright panic.

He couldn't move out without Mr. Harold Smellyface discovering him. And he was slowly moving the unconscious bodies of his victims, the Burger King workers, out of the way while humming Penguin Rock so incoming cars wouldn't hit them. He couldn't trust him; he worked at Burger King before! Even if he did help James and Iggy escape, it could be an accident, an owed favor, or something else. Pick just couldn't trust him. He did feel bad for him though. The poor guy would probably be fired even if it was an accident. Then Jamie would probably send Penguin Assassins chasing after Iggy and James with spoons or something. The odds weren't the best right now.

Pick had no choice but to wait. Harold simply couldn't be trusted, and he could only wait for him to leave. At least he knocked all the penguins out. Otherwise it would have been impossible to get out of the penguin suburban. Jamie started to stir, and Pick wanted to scream _Hurry up, Harold! _Eventually all the penguins were on the sidewalk and Harold strolled away, humming the Iguin City Blues, having finished with Penguin Rock, and Pick dashed towards the port. On his way he heard the sacking of Harold.

"HAROLD, AGAIN?!"

"Sorry, ma'am."

"APOLOGY NOT ACCEPTED! YOU'RE FIRED! NOW GET OUT OF MY SIGHT!"

"OK, ma'am. I needed to use the restroom anyways."

"NOW LET'S GET JAMES!"

Pick reached the port and all of his hopes were gone. The boat had already left with James and Iggy, his last chance. And Jamie and her employees were headed straight towards him.


End file.
